Spice Quest

Fans of popular cable access show SPICE QUEST were surpised and dismayed to learn this morning of last night's indictment of the show's host, founder, and producer, Elias "Pepper" Jamison. A raid of Jamison's house conducted in conjuction with the investigation also turned up mateials of an explicit sexual nature, which were then leaked to the press, sources say.

Jamison, who started the show eight years ago with a now-classic pilot episode searching for the mystery spice in a dish called La La La Extremely Spicy Fish Lashaun Style, was accused of price-fixing with Stiff Upper Lip Spice Import, Ltd., a major supplier of spices to the US. Jamison is alleged to have identified "mystery" spices in the dishes sent in by viewers as spices which were not actually in the dish, but rather in overstock at Stiff Upper Lip.

"This Pepper character says he's telling viewers what the secret ingredients are in the things they've eaten. But really he's just a shill for these spice conglomerate people, pushing their excess product," said Paddy McStereotype, a detective with the New York City police, and lead investigator on the case. "I mean, how many things really have tarragon as their secret ingredient?" he continued. "My own wife has been taken in. Last week we had a lemon curd and tarragon tart for dessert, and I gotta tell you, it was no good."

Ironically, however, it was not the criminal acitivities that most upset the show's fan base, but rather the pornography found in Jamison's home. "He always said he was, like, spicy!," wailed fan-club president Rainbow Happiness Smythe-Fellowes. "And now we find out it's all this vanilla, het, missionary stuff. We're like, totally in shock or something."

Smythe-Fellowes and her membership say that they will need to decide what to do about the club, Beyond Nutmeg . The club's vice-president, known only as C, summed up their dilemma: "I mean, it's like the show has been this big part of our lives for all these years, and that's totally still valid, you know? But at the same time, Pepper, like, isn't who we thought he was, so maybe the show's not how we thought it was either. I mean, what if La La La isn't even La La La? What if even that was a lie? Plus there's the whole Brady-Bunch sex thing. I don't want to be like all judgemental, but some things are just wrong."

There are rumors of a split in the Nutmegs; C reports plans to start a spice 'zine continuing the show's mission, but other members, including Smythe-Fellowes are not sure about the project. "C just thinks he's all Pepper-in-waiting, you know? But we all came together for Pepper, not C. He's just like this, you know, usurper or something. Plus, a lot of us sort of feel that without Pepper, there is no Spice Quest." Smythe-Fellowes wonders if the best thing that can happen to the Nutmegs is to simply disband.